If there is one thing we can depend on with computer software, it's that we can't depend on it .  As the tear-stained pages of our software manuals translated from the original Sanskrit attest, however, the electronic world has abandoned the literal interpretation of 'help'.  While the term does occur, any actual resources are referred to, with varying degrees of sincerity, as 'support'.  

In the valleys of silicon, there is an enormous difference.  While 'help' suggests actual assistance or aid toward reaching a solution,  software 'support' means someone might, if you can ever reach them, pat your hand while you suffer.  

The realities of  virtual support begin on websites every software manufacturer's ploy to avoid customer contact, where you face a disorganized clutter of buttons linking to information accompanied by lengthy disclaimers of responsibility for its veracity.  Experienced supplicants, who alert friends to notify local authorities in case of extended absences, enter these mazes with a jaundiced eye and emergency food supplies. 

In the second phase of my recent Microsoft confrontation [see  MicroHard, Part I], my problem seemed  reasonably simple:  after installing their FrontPage 2000 upgrade, I discovered that MS's Internet Explorer 5 had not only arrived unannounced with it,  but had replaced Netscape as my 'default browser' without offering me an option to disagree.  

Since IE5 isn't compatible with my Internet keyboard, and Netscape is, I simply uninstalled the stowaway which I didn't want anyhow.  This application of logic, a concept rejected by software pundits as something the general public might actually understand, was shot down when  I next tried to access Front Page 2000.  Immediately, one of MS's nasty little boxed messages of bad news popped up to announce that without Internet Explorer, FP would just sit around taking up space.  Gates: 1; Me: 0.

MS 'Support': The most irritating thing about this web site is that it's so insufferably optimistic.  'Welcome!,' it chirps, assuring you of its commitment to your welfare.  You are informed, and I quote, "We have streamlined and improved our support offerings.  We've also made it easier than ever to find the right support ...", questionable assertions, considering the plethora of options littering your screen:   'Search Help, How to Search, Search Examples, FAQs, Troubleshooters' are all available, as well as 'Advanced Support and Search' just in case nothing else seems sufficiently solicitous.  

This is the most extreme case of overkill since publication of the Congressional Record, and I strongly suspect that a large percentage of supplicants simply log off and burn their computers rather than decide which option is most likely to produce a result.

One initially promising page actually describes MS's various support options.  Unfortunately, you are ordered to 'Select the type of support you require', an assignment that depends on your ability to translate explanations written by the same illegal aliens who wrote your manual.

An 'incident' is described as "a problem that cannot be broken down into subordinate problems."  If, god forbid, your 'incident' has any of those, each one is considered a separate 'incident' that must be submitted as a separate support request. 

I was tempted to flee immediately to the relative safety of a FAQ site, but since no one in the history of software has ever asked a question for which I needed an answer, I typed  'browser' in one of MS's search boxes.  This seemed the logical 'key word' required to define my problem, but it led to lists of links to articles whose descriptions seemed to eliminate 'browser' as something for which there was any information.

I eventually discovered that I was qualified to submit two [2] incidents for 'No-Charge' Support', providing I came up with a suitable on-line ID and password. After passing a security check the FBI would find overkill, I was ordered to start my 'incident' by listing my computer's vital statistics ... its MBs of RAM, its model, its version of Windows, and its CPU type & speed.  Since I am not one of the 3 people on the planet who have memorized this stuff, I made the tactical error of looking it up without leaving a trail of breadcrumbs behind me.   

Several hours later, I retraced my route to 'No-charge Support',  provided MS with all my vital stats except my bra size, and followed orders to type my question, 'submit' it, and then 'ok' its submission.  These people must be convinced we are indecisive morons.

A day or two later, I received the following e-mail message written by someone who obviously learned English as a 5^th language: 

"There has been activity on the Service Request that you submitted. Please go to Web Response at [lengthy web address] to check on the activity at your earliest convenience."

Following the link provided, I was taken to a Holding Pen, where my ID and password were checked before I was allowed to read my incident report.  With the name changed to protect the guilty, it read verbatim as follows:

"Hello Sonya, "Thank you for using Product Support Services! My name is Joe and I am a Microsoft FrontPage Support Professional. "As I understand, you need to set Netscape as your default browser on your system. I found this article on the Netscape website: "http://home.netscape.com/download/win32_ instructions.htm l "I hope this helps!  Please let me know if this resolves your issue. "Regards, Joe Smith, MCP Office and Consumer Support Support Professional "Delighting our customers is our top priority. We welcome your comments and suggestions about how we can improve the support we provide to you.  Please e-mail us at managers@Microsoft.com"

Apparently MS fails to see the irony in the only solution to removing their browser as a default existing on Netscape's website, but they did 'delight' me ... Netscape's instructions worked.  Gates: 1; Me:1.

Unfortunately, Internet Explorer was determined to break the tie. 

Next Installment: MicroHard, Part III -- The 13^th Commandment: Thou shalt not kill Windows 98.

©sonya hammond 1999

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