In their
latest self-serving effort to appear aware that a violence problem exists in the nation's
schools, the House has finally come up with a solution that can't possibly offend the NRA:
The Moses Measure.The 'off' season
by sonya hammond
Few would argue that there are times when a bit of levity can bring temporary relief from ethnic battles, political unrest, destruction of the planet, and the sight of people actually spending money to see Austin Powers get shagged.
This is particularly true this summer of 1999 as we are subjected to the premature candidacy ejaculations of practically everyone in the Republican party and their two Democrat counterparts who would make a James Tyler- Millard Fillmore campaign seem almost electrifying.
In a summer when comic relief options are more numerous than NRA lobbyists, here are a few of the more delectable possibilities selected at random:
Thou shalt not covet assault weapons
In their
latest self-serving effort to appear aware that a violence problem exists in the nation's
schools, the House has finally come up with a solution that can't possibly offend the NRA:
The Moses Measure.
After years of trying to replace 14 constitutional Amendments with 10 Commandments, the myopic Christian Right point of view found a way to do it they hope we won't recognize for what it really is ... the exchange of Liberty for the Religious State.
We are expected to agree that displaying the 10 Commandments in classroom does not violate the separation of church and state:
They are not a prayer ... No one would be forced to read them [a possible hole in the theory that reading them will inspire a return to 'morality'] ... And they have somehow become ecumenical in spite of very specific origins.
Aside from the fact that the average attention span of most students would not get them past Commandment 3, the effectiveness of this pathetic ploy might depend in part on the age of a classroom's occupants unless Congress does a bit of editing ... not that they'd have any trouble with that, considering their persistent attempts to edit the 1st Amendment.
Lacking that, they could perhaps hold seminars for teachers on how to explain adultery [and why they shouldn't commit it] to grammar school kids.
And although the concept of not coveting thy neighbor's wife may get across, there is some question why anyone would covet [in one biblical version] a neighbor's 'manservant, maidservant, ox or ass', since few neighbors can afford servants let alone provide facilities for beasts of burden.
In view of the rationale behind this legislative attempt, perhaps the 6th Commandment might be emphasized in larger type ... 'THOU SHALT NOT KILL', but it's too bad there is no 'Thou shalt not use [or covet] the following weapons:' followed by a detailed list.
Unfortunately, since the original list was created B.C. [Before Colt], by now the weapons would be as outmoded as oxen. No shortage even today of asses, but since most of them are in Congress it's unlikely any schoolchildren will covet them.
The cat's meow
As every cat
provider knows, felines rule the households in which they allow the people who think they
own them to reside. The morning hour of arising is determined by cat appetite, furniture
exists only for cat comfort and laps for cat occupancy, and 98% of bed space was created
for cat bathing, exercise, play and brief periods of sleep.
Under cat rule, food choices are explicit with no substitutes tolerated, but none of the cats I know have ever had any inclination to pay for their meals, let alone shop for them.
Word of this situation has not reached cat food manufacturer Whiskas who, in what can only be termed a complete lapse of sanity, has created a 30-second TV commercial whose target audience is the cat.
To make sure viewers are aware of this, a voice-over human warns them to make sure their cats are watching. This alone is proof that any cat research Whiskas may have done was seriously flawed, since there is no way anyone can make sure that a cat does anything. 'Like herding cats' is not a synonym for a successful ploy.
The commercial does its best to entice with rustling sounds, rodent squeaks, bouncy toys and birds. What cats are supposed to infer from these entertainments, in case any of them are actually watching, is that they should run out and buy Whiskas cat food, although how they are supposed to carry it home is not specified.
If Whiskas knew anything at all about cat psychology, they would realize that Fancy Feast got it right when they played up to 'discriminating taste', Baccarat cat dishes, and the soothing tones of Lauren Bacall. Hey, it was good enough for Bogey.
It's a grand old endangered flag
Terrified that it
might do something productive that could prompt voter retaliation in next year's
elections, our intrepid congressmen have again dragged out the flag ... to defend, just in
case it needs defending.
Two previous defeats, and a Supreme Court decision that invalidated flag protection laws in 48 states, have not discouraged legislators from once more trying to amend the Constitution by banning flag desecration, a sin the Chairman in charge of anti-flag flogging declares is uppermost in the minds of the American people.
Since these are the same people this chairman maintains are uppermost in the minds of Congress, one can only presume they are also the same people who managed to sit through all 4 hours of a recent TV production of Ivanhoe without falling into a coma.
The last time legislation was proposed in response to congressional consideration of a public mandate was when the 18th Amendment was repealed.
Not that anyone really believes that we need a constitutional amendment to protect the flag from the hordes of 5 or 6 people who may annually treat it disrespectfully, but it's the sort of double whammy legislation congressmen feel most comfortable proposing ... It won't offend the NRA, and it takes another whack at the 1st Amendment, the one that actually is uppermost in the minds of the American people.
And now from the people who brought us the B-2 Stealth Bomber ...
Joy
reigned in Congress recently when, after six straight failures, the Theater High-Altitude
Defense [THAAD] missile finally scored a hit. We can certainly understand their
elation. It cost only 3.8 billion dollars to come up with one that worked.
Rep. Curt Weldon [R-Pa] cited this dubious victory as proof that THAAD detractors were wrong, and claimed that previous failures were simply an 'inevitable part of developing a new technology'.
Unfortunately, the economics of this theory does not extend to developing a universal health plan, reforming Medicare, or any other program that doesn't blow up something.
©sonya hammond 1999