The X files
by sonya hammond
Brace yourselves. Year 2000 will usher in far greater disturbances than the outbreak of Computer Armageddon. Not to minimize the possible impact of electronic confusion, but the most misanthropic computer nerds are beginning to admit that only some, possibly even none, of their predictions for Y2K disruptions, inconveniences, frustrations or disasters may actually occur.
Odds are 50-50 that we could escape at least a few of the more dire prognostications, welcome news to those of us who flunked Gardening 1A, and would starve without a microwave.
This does not mean that we can expect to glide through Y2K unscathed. Even if all our computers calmly report at 12:01 a.m. that it is January 1, 2000, we will be challenged by the potentially disastrous effects of a more inevitable fiasco.
For the self-sufficient and the hopelessly dependent alike, there is no way to avoid it ... We can run [and a lot of us will], but we cannot hide from another Presidential Election Year.
This is the season noted for carefully scripted babble passed off as 'debate', endless television commercials designed to substantiate every candidates' claims to sainthood, and mailboxes stuffed with flyers featuring choreographed 'candid' shots of over-coiffed, long-suffering wives, scrubbed plastic children, and [in an apparent attempt to bring the candidate down to our plane of existence] playful family dogs.
Months [it will seem longer] of such efforts to secure our votes will cost each campaign approximately the price tag for Bill Gate's house, and will at best influence only that segment of the electorate which actually believes mailers proclaiming them sweepstake winners. Those of us less gullible, but unable to afford an extended vacation to some country lacking media coverage in English, will remain to suffer.
The overall slogan under which all the candidates will rally, regardless of party affiliation or previous record of prevarication and deceit, is
'Promise them anything, but give them the shaft' .
This will be the one constant we can depend on, in a season when jackets and ties will be whisked on and off in deference to local demographics, principles will adjust to hourly polls, and issues will be marketed like pork bellies according to the rise or fall of their popularity.
The Pols feed on this confusion. It dazzles constituents, throws them off balance, keeps them vulnerable to more important stuff like charm and buzzwords like values . We haven't got a chance.
The worst, however, is yet to come. Inevitably, Y2K candidates will slink through their campaigns dragging the chains forged by every past sin or omission a rabid media can unearth about them.
Desperate to distract us from the really fun part of the campaign, contenders will flaunt their personal '
EX' factors which, depending on our susceptibilities to hype, will register as either assets or detriments.Listed here, in no particular order, are the leading potential candidates, their EX baggage, and a few shackles it's already too late for them to throw off:
Al Gore
Asset:
Ex-VP with actual experience in the White House and close contact with the
present office holder.
Detriment:
The present office holder.
Asset:
Ex-Congressman, Ex-Senator.
Detriment:
Also Ex-presidential candidate [failed], and Ex-inventor [self-proclaimed] of
the Internet.
Asset:
Has more practice looking presidential than other candidates.
Detriment: Has more practice making boring speeches than the other candidates ... or anyone
else on the planet.
Advice:
Go ahead
and inhale. In your case it couldn't hurt.
Libby Dole
Asset:
Ex-Secretary of Transportation under Reagan, Ex-Secretary of Labor under Bush.
Detriment:
And this is an asset because ...?
Asset:
Ex-head of the Red Cross.
Detriment:
Arguably, the U.S. is not a philanthropic organization.
Asset:
Ex-Candidate's wife.
Detriment:
The Ex-Candidate keeps backing other people.
Asset:
She's a woman.
Detriment:
Eventually, everyone will notice that.
Advice:
Tell Mr.
Excitement to quit gushing about the joy of Viagra-jolted sex ...
our tolerance
of some mental images is limited.
Dan Quayle
Asset:
Ex-VP.
Detriment:
Ex-VP.
Asset:
Ex-Congressman.
Detriment:
Didn't stay there.
Asset:
Has never had extramarital sex.
Detriment:
May not have had sex of any kind.
Advice:
Take a few
Latin lessons so you can talk to the Latinos,
and learn how to misspell
bilingually.
Bill Bradley
Asset: Ex-Senator.
Detriment:
Permanent recipient of the Al Gore Memorial Dullness Award.
Asset:
Ex-basketball player.
Detriment:
Country has had it with presidents who can score.
Asset:
Latest contender for 'no politics as usual' poster boy status.
Detriment:
So far hasn't even defined 'usual', let alone his stand on anything.
Advice:
Forget it.
Gore is more boring, better looking and almost as tall.
Pat Buchanan
Asset: None.
Detriment[s]:
Most annoying Ex-TV commentator, most irritating Ex-Presidential candidate, most
forgettable Nixon and Reagan Administration ex-staffer, and current most
vocal bigot.
Asset:
Advocate of something called a 'culture war'.
Detriment:
Wouldn't recognize 'culture' if he tripped over it.
Advice:
Exactly
what part of 'no way' don't you understand?
The truth may be out there, but it won't be until around mid-2001 that we've got a fighting chance of hearing it. If ever there was a year for a dark horse, Y2K is it.
Wonder if Scully and Mulder would consider running? At the rate we're going, we can do a lot worse
.**As it turned out, we definitely did.
© sonya hammond, 1997