Memorizing an endless list of sub-groups can be circumvented by stipulating that they are all DOS, not to be confused with a computer term explained in tedious detail by many extremely dull manuals.

TECHNICAL STUFF

For readers who insist on hearing about the technical stuff, the DOS, all of whom lay claim to various pieces, often overlapping, of the FYP, have complicated infrastructures:

• Each group inadvertently, and often unwillingly, includes members of the other groups, sometimes identified as Bosnian Serbs, Croatian Serbs, Bosnian Croats, etc., which you would think might clarify things, but it doesn't.

• In misguided attempts to sort things out, experts cite the obligatory religious differences [see Chapter 6, Obligatory Religious Differences] among sub-groups including Croatian Muslims, Catholic Croats and Orthodox Serbs, etc.

• All groups and subgroups have military factions which daily acquire several new generals whose names cannot be pronounced, let alone spelled. The civilian leaders spend most of their time jockeying for media coverage with one extraordinarily nasty man who suffers from terminal bad hair days.

HISTORICAL STUFF

The original hostilities were initiated by Croats and Serbs, who couldn't shoot at each other without occasionally hitting Bosnia.

The Serbs also attacked Slovenia as well as Slavonia, moves that really complicated the spelling thing [see Chapter 12, The Spelling Thing] and allowed no leeway whatsoever for typographical errors in reporting events.

Since each of these groups makes daily announcements declaring cease fires, victories, truces, defeats, and threats...often simultaneously ... Western nations have used their inability to pick a specific action on which to react as an excuse to apply the DNW Principle.

This has given the Serbs time to take over large chunks of the FYP in the name of protecting citizens from some enemy to be named later, although enemies are difficult to recognize due to the uncontrollable mixing of participating populations which often haven't a clue to what their leaders have in mind for them.

While various invasions and the Serbian leader's hair proliferated, and entire populations were summarily dispatched by such tried and true methods as rape and murder, the U.S. government leaned heavily on its official policy of issuing DABS backed up by rhetoric with which Britain usually agrees and France denounces as a MOP. This policy [DABS, in case you weren't paying attention] is crucial in order to postpone actions that might actually accomplish something.

SUBSEQUENT STUFF

The UN periodically declares the usual cease-fires, arms embargoes, and threats of intervention.  Although it is against UN policy to follow up on anything, gunfire occasionally ceases for 17 minutes, or not long enough for the besieged citizens of Sarajevo to buy food, whichever comes first.

In the meantime, hundreds of thousands of people are dead or missing as a result of ethnic cleansing projects [See World War II], with the Muslims ahead as the objects of practically everyone's hostility. Entire populations of captured towns have been moved to other towns that will eventually be captured as soon as the UN declares them 'Safe Areas'.

When the Serbs finally began to fall back under a sudden Croatian attack, NATO was inspired to abandon its previous position of Maybe We Won't Have to Get Involved [see Chapter 7, Maybe We Won't Have to Get Involved], and broke established precedent by reaching a consensus to bomb the hell out of someone.

The Serbs emerged as the MUSEOC [not to be confused with elevator entertainment] thereby targeting innocent civilian populations along with armed forces led by a commanding general appropriately named for a rare species of rodent.

LATE-BREAKING NEWS SUCH AS IT IS

As the West continued to suffer from a 'Good Guy/Bad Guy' identity crisis, NATO rattled its rusty swords and for the first time in years the war-torn weary civilians of the FYP enthusiastically welcomed gunfire and bombs, a reaction attributed to the BUMS Syndrome.

While this did not produce the desired effect of terrifying any faction into going home, primarily since the term 'home' had long since lost its meaning, eventually leaders of DOS groups and sub-groups were forced to sit down at a table and told to ASS.

Unfortunately, ASS sessions are mediated by a U.S. Cabinet Secretary whose facial expression not only does not inspire goodwill, but even on good days would shatter glass.

These sessions, known as FUN provide endless opportunities for the Issuing of Statements loaded with typical FUN terminology:  

'Theoretically' something could happen, providing that 'loose ends' can be tied up and 'major differences' are resolved, or 'partial accords' can be reached on 'fundamental issues'. Once these are translated into UNese or NATOic, 'statements' are Issued.

SUMMARY

Even as this is being written, the long-awaited 'Agreement Has Been Reached' statement has been issued. Everyone from President Clinton to extremely cross Bosnians who were not invited to initial the document has praised or damned it depending on the PETS which change hourly.

It is not necessary to keep up with post-Agreement statements except as a possible alternative to self-immolation.

© sonya hammond 1995

Return to Politically Incorrect Page