IT
ONLY HURTS WHEN I [DELETED]IT
ONLY HURTS WHEN I [DELETED]
by sonya hammond
The following exclusive interview for the OTHER paper [TOP] was held with the new Humor Inquisition Commission [HIC] formed to investigate any attempts at allegedly humorous activities in Eugene, Oregon. The Commission, somewhat reluctantly, granted this interview in order to substantiate concerns of censorship, and reinforce perceptions that its mission will restrict freedom of expression.
TOP: Exactly what is your mission?
HIC: We should point out that we aren't required to explain it, or anything else for that matter, but if you must know, we don't take our responsibilities, or anything else for that matter, lightly. In essence we're empowered to instigate a unified humor policy for the City
TOP: Unified? You mean you want to standardize local humor?
HIC: Oh, right, you progressive types can manage to make everything sound like something bad. Unity is the American Way, and forming our Commission is just one more creative example of our City Council's diligent determination to bring it about.
TOP: The last time they tried to do that, they had to hire family counselors.
HIC: Are you making fun of our City government?
TOP: We would never categorize our City government as 'fun'. But there really isn't any way to make people see everything the same way, and even if there were, do we really want that?
HIC: Well, you ought to. For one thing, it avoids expensive litigation, tiresome committee meetings, and the formation of endless protest groups which insist on taking part in parades that should feature lots of perfectly nice brass bands not ruined by the presence of baton twirlers in obscenely short skirts. Besides, you people are always the first ones to cry 'discrimination' about every little bitty thing. It's high time we defined exactly what is acceptably funny, and implemented procedures against those who find anything else humorous.
TOP: Do you really think it's possible to tell people what they can laugh at?
HIC: Is the Pope Polish?
TOP: Would you give our readers your definition of unacceptable humor?
HIC: Actually, there isn't any completely acceptable humor. Take shaggy dog stories, for instance. They may seem innocent enough, but dogs might not see it that way.
TOP: Shaggy dog stories aren't necessarily about dogs; they're really just a genre.
HIC: Tell that to an obedience-impaired poodle.
TOP: Isn't there any humor that the Commission might find acceptable?
HIC: So far, only the Knock-Knock format has a shot at fulfilling our requirements. The important thing is to make sure that absolutely no individual, group, nationality, religion, sex, organization, life form, or inanimate object is offended.
TOP: Do you really think you can dictate what people find funny?
HIC: The public needs to get over the idea that they're entitled to find humor in anything. There's absolutely nothing in the Constitution that guarantees the right to laugh.
TOP: But we are guaranteed freedom of speech.
HIC: For the moment anyhow.
TOP: Just how far can HIC go in applying whatever guidelines it comes up with?
HIC: Hey, forget 'guidelines', or jury trials, or namby-pamby hearings. We're talking bans of Robert Altman movies, boycotts of Dave Barry columns, indictment of Molly Ivins, and prohibition of all references to Dan Quayle just for starters.
TOP: You're talking total censorship?
HIC: Call it what you like, as long as it isn't funny.
TOP: How do you expect to stop people from laughing?
HIC: Naturally there will be informers, and we will have many deterrents. Fines, for example, are always good, but we'll consider all our options ... imprisonment, confiscation of goods, exile to California, and of course that old standby, burning at the stake.
TOP: Isn't that pretty drastic?
HIC: Hey, humor will be a capital offense. Let the punishment fit the crime.
TOP: We presume you also expect the media to adhere to your rules?
HIC: Is the Pope Catholic?
©sonya hammond 1996